Today, in a climate change speech President Obama declared war on Loretta Lynn's Father." Let me be clear", President Obama stated as he wiped away sweat from his brow while speaking in the seasonable late June temperature, "if we're going to reduce carbon emission, we're going to have redistribute jobs from those who mine dirty coal to those who put together clean, green solar panels. This means that folks who have followed in Mr. Webb's footsteps as coal miners are going to have to find some other line of work".
This news came as a shock to Cook County clerk Sissy Spacek. Spacek said, " Mr. Webb has been a consistent Democrat vote here in Cook County since the Kennedy administration. I don't understand why the President would tarnish the image of one of his most consistent voters".
However, Jay Carney, the President's press secretary said in a rare moment of actual candidness, "Look, The President doesn't want promote the violence of this family. I mean really, Butcher Holler? What kind of name for a town is that? As we've beefed up drone surveillance on Senator Paul's constituents following his filibuster, we've seen that town more frequently. Plus, Loretta Lynn writes songs like "Fist City". That kind of lyrical violence is unacceptable".
The Obama administration has asked Ashley Judd to take the lead on this latest war, although such an appointment would require approval of the Senate. Both Senators McConnell and Paul are fully prepared to filibuster this nomination.
Note: The above post is merely satire. Please only read it as such.