Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Buzzfeed Catches Up with Joan Walsh and Kathleen Parker Having Brunch in the Hamptons

by Buzzfeed editorial staff

En route to investigating a story on the Top 10 Persian Cats of the Hamptons for our new feature--the Felines of Long Island, we happened to run into two of today's top political opinion writers--Joan Walsh and  Kathleen Parker--who were having brunch at one of the most exclusive spots in the area. By the time we spotted them, Walsh was already on her fifth mimosa, but both Walsh and Parker agreed to answer a few questions. Below is our transcript:

Buzzfeed: You both wrote excellent, insightful pieces recently about Sarah Palin's speech last week at the Faith and Freedom Coalition. What do you think of Palin's role in the conservative movement?

Parker: She has no impact on conservatives. She's extremely irrelevant. That's why I wanted to write about Mama Grizzly's maleficence-- because people need to be informed about inane irrelevance. Palin is all about parity. Can you believe it? I think that is all they teach at the University of Idaho--potatoes and pregnancy. The University of Idaho just doesn't educate you like Florida State where I attended.

Walsh: I know, right? Can you believe white people? Look. Palin is just a parody of her hateful self. Here at Salon, we've done a lot of investigative research on race and vileness. It turns out that a lack of melanin is correlated with absolute awfulness. Alaska goes months and months without much sun, you know. That keeps you pale. But, that's exactly what makes Palin attractive to those racist redneck conservatives.

Parker: Racist redneck That's a great alliteration, Joan! I'll have to remember that one. Speaking of rednecks, who you really need to watch  for is Honey Boo Boo. She is a lot smarter than Palin. She supported Ivy League educated President Obama in the last election.

Buzzfeed: Ah yes, Honey Boo Boo. Hasn't her show lasted longer than your show with Elliot Spitzer?

Parker: What are you trying to say, feline fanboi?

With that retort, Buzzfeed decided to let the ladies return to their brunch. Walsh and Parker were beginning to turn a very bright shade of green anyway, so we decided to leave before we caught whatever they had.

Please stay tuned for our new series of the Felines of Long Island!

Disclosure: This is only satire. So please, don't fall prey to a Suzi Parker scoop. 

Crossposted here and here.

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