President Obama Unveils New Apple iPAB at Press Conference

In a Friday afternoon press conference, President Obama unveiled the new Apple iPAB--a device with the ability to ration healthcare for Medicare patients.

"Older Americans are using technology more and more frequently", the President said, " this new new device will allow for healthcare to be more efficient by allowing patients to know whether or not they will be able to receive treatment before they even leave the house".

Some major components of his healthcare plan have or potential will be delayed, including business mandates and some information technology based aspects of the law. However, other parts of the law he has chosen to implement more quickly. The new Apple iPAB was introduced through a new executive order from the President.

With this executive order, rather than appointing member to the Independent Payment Advisory Board to be confirmed by the Senate, the President has ordered that this board be replaced by Siri.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius stated in a press release that seniors will simply have to ask Siri, "will Medicare cover my blood pressure medication?". Using already collected personal data from the NSA and IRS, Siri will be able to quickly determine whether or not a patient will be rationed whatever particular medication or procedure they have queried. This is will save patients the hassle of having to go the doctor, which, subsequently will help reduce carbon emissions from travel.

Vice President Joe Biden has been tasked with Beta testing the new iPAB and has run into some minor issues after he shot the iPAB with a shotgun after he consistently mistyped his passcode. " God love, Siri. You know what they say, 'an apple a day--an iPAB-- keeps the doctor away'. Barack and I want to make sure that's true".

Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has denounced the iPAB as a digital death panel that continues to give too much power to the federal government and rations care.

Note: This is simply satire. Please read it as such.

 Crossposted here and here.

President Obama Touts Reverse ATM Plan to Create Jobs and Smarter Government

Today, President Obama gave a speech to tout his new plan for smarter government. Part of this plan includes opening up government data and use technology to create jobs.

President Obama stated, " ATMs have proven to be a form of technology that has taken away the jobs of hard-working Americans. Let me be clear, under our plan, we will create a reverse ATM system that creates jobs and provides more government data, increased transparency, and stronger revenues. After all, the government is something we all belong to. The American people's data are the government's data".

The Obama administration has touted itself as being the most transparent administration in America's history. They hope that their reverse ATM system will provide an easier way to transfer funds and information from the American people to their government in addition to creating jobs. The Obama administration has recently proven that it can be transparent with Americans' credit card account information and social security numbers. This is the kind of transparency that they have been seeking and hope that the development of the reverse ATM will provide high tech jobs and even more efficient ways to collect information.

The Obama administration is hoping to tap Jon Corzine to lead this initiative. Corzine was recently absolved of criminal wrongdoing in the disappearance of more than a billion dollars of clients' investments, yet has been currently under review from the CFTC. Such a record makes him a perfect fit for the Obama administration. *Please note: This is only satire.* Crossposted here.

The Obama Administration Declares War on Loretta Lynn's Father

Today, in a climate change speech President Obama declared war on Loretta Lynn's Father." Let me be clear", President Obama stated as he wiped away sweat from his brow while speaking in the seasonable late June temperature, "if we're going to reduce carbon emission, we're going to have redistribute jobs from those who mine dirty coal to those who put together clean, green solar panels. This means that folks who have followed in Mr. Webb's footsteps as coal miners are going to have to find some other line of work".

This news came as a shock to Cook County clerk Sissy Spacek. Spacek said, " Mr. Webb has been a consistent Democrat vote here in Cook County since the Kennedy administration. I don't understand why the President would tarnish the image of one of his most consistent voters".

However, Jay Carney, the President's press secretary said in a rare moment of actual candidness, "Look, The President doesn't want promote the violence of this family. I mean really, Butcher Holler? What kind of name for a town is that? As we've beefed up drone surveillance on Senator Paul's constituents following his filibuster, we've seen that town more frequently. Plus, Loretta Lynn writes songs like "Fist City". That kind of lyrical violence is unacceptable".

The Obama administration has asked Ashley Judd to take the lead on this latest war, although such an appointment would require approval of the Senate. Both Senators McConnell and Paul are fully prepared to filibuster this nomination.

Note: The above post is merely satire. Please only read it as such. Crossposted here.

Buzzfeed Catches Up with Joan Walsh and Kathleen Parker Having Brunch in the Hamptons

by Buzzfeed editorial staff

En route to investigating a story on the Top 10 Persian Cats of the Hamptons for our new feature--the Felines of Long Island, we happened to run into two of today's top political opinion writers--Joan Walsh and  Kathleen Parker--who were having brunch at one of the most exclusive spots in the area. By the time we spotted them, Walsh was already on her fifth mimosa, but both Walsh and Parker agreed to answer a few questions. Below is our transcript:

Buzzfeed: You both wrote excellent, insightful pieces recently about Sarah Palin's speech last week at the Faith and Freedom Coalition. What do you think of Palin's role in the conservative movement?

Parker: She has no impact on conservatives. She's extremely irrelevant. That's why I wanted to write about Mama Grizzly's maleficence-- because people need to be informed about inane irrelevance. Palin is all about parity. Can you believe it? I think that is all they teach at the University of Idaho--potatoes and pregnancy. The University of Idaho just doesn't educate you like Florida State where I attended.

Walsh: I know, right? Can you believe white people? Look. Palin is just a parody of her hateful self. Here at Salon, we've done a lot of investigative research on race and vileness. It turns out that a lack of melanin is correlated with absolute awfulness. Alaska goes months and months without much sun, you know. That keeps you pale. But, that's exactly what makes Palin attractive to those racist redneck conservatives.

Parker: Racist redneck That's a great alliteration, Joan! I'll have to remember that one. Speaking of rednecks, who you really need to watch  for is Honey Boo Boo. She is a lot smarter than Palin. She supported Ivy League educated President Obama in the last election.

Buzzfeed: Ah yes, Honey Boo Boo. Hasn't her show lasted longer than your show with Elliot Spitzer?

Parker: What are you trying to say, feline fanboi?

With that retort, Buzzfeed decided to let the ladies return to their brunch. Walsh and Parker were beginning to turn a very bright shade of green anyway, so we decided to leave before we caught whatever they had.

Please stay tuned for our new series of the Felines of Long Island!

Disclosure: This is only satire. So please, don't fall prey to a Suzi Parker scoop. 

Crossposted here and here.

Exclusive: The Washington Post Receives Coveted Fishwrapping Contract with Seattle's Pike's Place

Washington D.C.--The Washington Post announced in a press conference today that they  received a coveted contract with Seattle's famous fish market, Pike's Place, to become the exclusive provider of fish wrap for the market.  

The Post's Kevin Merida, who was just named managing editor earlier this month, said, "this is a step in an exciting and bold direction for the Post. We want the Washington Post to reach not just to the District of Columbia, but also to Washington state as well. We do share the same name, and we want our excellent news coverage and in depth analysis to reach from the Potomac River to Puget Sound". 

A press release from Pike's Place noted that the market was thrilled with the partnership: "We are known for having fun at Pike's Place, and we think that this new relationship will added need depth and seriousness to our efforts to bring fresh fish to Seattle and its tourists." The release also noted, " we are glad that the Post takes diversity so seriously as to expand their outreach to new species".  

The Sierra Club also was pleased to hear of the contract. Their executive director, Michael Brune, noted that the Washington Post prints their newspaper on post consumer recycled paper and uses soy based ink. Brune also stated, " Pike's Place previously used non-recycled fish wrap. This is a step in right direction to make sure that our nation's precious trees are being preserved". 

The contract begins in March of 2013. The Washington Post beat out the New York Times and Politico's print edition for the contract. Newsweek had to withdraw their proposal after recently suspending their print edition. 

The above passage is quite obviously satirical. However, when a "journalist" is operating with a biased agenda, satire appears like legitimate news. Earlier today, Suzi Parker of the Washington Post based and entire post around a "story" at a satirical website that claimed Governor Sarah Palin had signed on with Al-Jazeera to reach out to religious people. The article's overarching point was that Governor Palin was supposedly trying desperately to hang on to relevancy, yet if she were truly irrelevant, why would the media have to grasp at straws to find something to pin on Palin?

For the Washington Post, this is par for the course. Since Palin burst on to the scene in 2008, the Washington Post has aimed to smear the Governor at every turn. During the 2008 election, then blogger Dave Wiegel, who covered conservative politics at the site, operated an email list among journalists to coordinate stories. Later, in 2010, it was revealed that these email exchanges included discussion on how to cover speculation that Governor Palin was not the mother of her son, Trig. Weigel left the Washington Post shortly after the news of this email list hit only to be replaced by "conservative" Jennifer Rubin. Rubin was complementary of Palin when she wrote at Commentary, but within eight days of signing on at the Washington Post, she began to slam Palin. As I wrote nearly two years ago:

Last November, the Washington Post hired Jennifer Rubin to replace journolister, Dave Weigel, as their "conservative" blogger. Yes, those quotation marks are needed. Many, including Newsbusters, saw this hire as a step in the right direction for the Washington Post, as Rubin replaced the unscrupulous Weigel and had a great tenure writing for the neoconservative outlet Commentary. In fact, prior to her departure from Commentary, Rubin wrote at least four lengthy pieces supporting and defending Governor Palin. Rubin wrote articles supporting Governor Palin's non-elitism, highlighting her as a strong Tea Party voice, offering high praise for Governor Palin's political instincts, and defending Governor Palin against those who criticized her Restoring Honor rally speech.  

 What a difference a new employment contract makes! Rubin was announced as a new conservative commentator for the Washington Post on November 23, 2010 writing a blog called "Right Turn" and eight days later, wrote her first anti Palin screed arguing that Governor Palin was not a front runner for the GOP presidential nomination and poo pooing Governor Palin's use of the term "death panel"--a phrase that Rubin was supportive of in her articles at Commentary.

This kind of anti-conservative coverage has continued, as Rubin bashed Senator DeMint when he resigned from the Senate and knocked Senator Ted Cruz's early days in Washington D.C. Those who don't wear the conservative moniker,and some who even claim to be objective have engaged in this type of behavior as well. When Governor Palin's emails were released in the Summer of 2010, the Post's "journalists", obviously averse to the idea of performing due diligence and actual research, crowd sourced the emails, asking readers to find juicy tidbits about Palin. During the 2012 election, shortly after writing a piece on how sexist it was that the media focused on Michelle Obama's clothes, one Washington Post "She the People" blogger spent most of a post criticizing what Governor Palin wore at a rally for Missouri Senatorial candidate Sarah Steelman.

Just recently, Chris Cillizza, who has been less-than-objective to Governor Palin in the past wrote a lengthy post declaring Palin irrelevant following her decision not to renew her contract with FoxNews. Just a few short weeks later, Cillizza invoked Palin's name to take a shot at both Palin and the Pope when the Pope announced his resignation. While Palin is still supposedly irrelevant in his eyes, she was still relevant enough to mock.

To be sure, the Washington Post is known to smear and misrepresent many conservatives, but it is especially   apparent and pointed when it comes to Governor Palin. When Palin gave her acceptance speech at the RNC  in September 2008, she looked right into the camera and noted that she wasn't aiming to seek the media's approval; she was aiming to serve the people of the country. That is what she has done. She served Alaska as governor leading to multiple credit upgrades, ethics reform, and strong budgets for the state. She has supported conservative candidates, rallied the Tea Party faithful, helped in tornado relief in Alabama, visited Haiti after a devastating earthquake, flew thousands of miles to attend the memorial service of a fallen hero on her birthday. Palin often notes that only dead fish go with the flow. Palin is no dead fish, but the media who continue to claim her irrelevance may find their writing only serve to wrap actual dead fish, proving that real irrelevancy lies with the legacy media.

Crossposted here and here.